Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Still Missing You Dad

Four years ago today, I said good bye to my dad as his battle with cancer ended. At the time I was relieved to see the end to a painful journey for him. However now I wish he was here to be a grandpa to my kids.
His battle taught me a number of things. However it also sent me into a struggle with my faith. As my dad found out he was ill, I watched him turn to God and work to strengthen his faith. Yet I did the opposite. To this day, I struggle with the fact that there are people suffering through such awful situations and diseases.
I feel like recently I have finally broken through some of the anger. I cannot say I felt angry that I lost my dad. Obviously it was hard to say good bye to him when I was just 23. But what made me angry was seeing the way he suffered. It was very hard to see my dad rendered almost helpless, because of a disease that we call cancer. This is what caused me to question God and my faith to Him.
There are many things I learned from my dad and his cancer. And I know he inspired many other people. I just have to remind myself that it is not my place to question why my dad suffered. I am working to turn my attention to my life that I am living. That is what my dad would have told me to do. And that is what God wants me to do.
I have many things that I wish I could tell my dad. I have grown up a lot in the past 4 years but mostly I want him to know about his grandchildren. I am such a proud mommy and I know somehow my dad knows how wonderful my kids are and he is a proud grandpa, even if he isn't here with us.
We went to the park to visit my dad's bench a couple of weeks ago. I hope I can take my kids there every year and get a picture of them on the bench. This is going to be my way to show dad how his grandkids are growing. While we were there Ally even found a penny sitting right next to the bench. It seemed obvious to me Dad sent us that penny to show me that he could see the kids. Here's the poem about pennies sent from heaven:

Today I found a penny, Just laying on the ground. But it's not just a penny, This little coin I've found. Found pennies come from heaven. That's what my Grandpa told me. He said Angels toss them down. Oh, how I loved that story. He said when an Angel misses you, They toss a penny down, Sometimes just to cheer you up, To make a smile out of your frown. So don't pass by that penny When you're feeling blue; It may be a Penny from Heaven That an Angel's tossed to you.


Lani said...

Wow...I don't know what else to say. Love you. Miss you. Praying for you.

Doug said...


I had no idea that your dad died from cancer; or that it was the 4 year mark just yesterday. I wish you would have shared that with me, but maybe it was too difficult still.

I really like you a lot Nikki, and I now see we have another thing in common that we can pray about for each other.

It's such a pleasure working with you!